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The Support Monkeys
We're back, bitches!
Hello faithful readers, if there are any of you left.  :) 

Do not think I did not notice the scarcity of my postings in the last couple of years. 


Well, I thought about it, and honestly, it all comes down to a change of attitude.  At some point, I suppose some small part of me grew up a little, and although I still find an enormous amount of humor in what I do for a living, I just do not need the outlet for it the way I used to.  My brand of sarcasm has taken a bit of a different turn, and truthfully, I am simply a lot less bitchy than I used to be.

When I started this blog, it was at a point in my life where I had taken a whole hell of a lot of wrong turns, and I was trying to find my way back to the trail and find where I had gone wrong.  Turns out that some paths are simply not worth going back to, and it was time for me to blaze a new trail toward an actual destination, with a fresh mind and a better (more mature) attitude about life in general.  Life is moving forward for me at a blistering pace now, and even if I did have the desire to blog about work, I really do not have the time.

I cannot just leave without leaving some tidbits about what I have observed in the world around me, however.  If I have to leave a message for future techies and customer service types, it is this:  Love life and love what you do.  If you hate it, either change yourself or change your surroundings.  Life is too short for us to be miserable, and it is all about attitude.  If you go out in search of the black cloud behind every silver lining, you will always find it.  I promise.  If you want to be a miserable asshole like Ken Becklin (yep, I am naming names here), then by all means, go for it, but do not try to take down those around you under the ugly black-veiled guise of camaraderie.  To join in on this sort of thing is to willingly embrace misery and to keep the ball rolling in the wrong direction.  Fully half (or more) of my posts on this blog are me doing just that, which is why I have not been around lately.  Funny?  Of course.  Negative?  Absolutely, hidden beneath the humor of it, and bringing everyone else in on the joke. 

Look to the cheery people around you.  There is a reason they are happy, and it is not that they have discovered how to shit rainbows and Skittles (although that could be pretty fucking awesome).  Life is not always sunshine and bunnies, and sometimes we get dealt a really fucked up hand, and we have to play it.  How you play the bad hands is absolutely more important than how you play the good ones.  You can curl up in the fetal position, be a victim, and cry about it, but when you look up, you will find yourself surrounded by other victims, all trying to one-up each other on who has it worse.  For you Mediacom guys and gals, take a look around you at the people around you that have been handed absolute shit in their lives and still manage to make you smile or laugh every day when you see them.  There are more than a few there, but unless you are looking for the good, they may not stand out to you, even if you interact with them several times a day.  I am absolutely guilty as hell of it myself, which is what I have spent the last few years trying to change. 

To summarize - take accountability for your own happiness and stop pecking with the hens (and Kens).  The world owes you nothing, so earn it, and have fun doing the damn thing.

Now, Veeder, if you will be so kind as to take this soapbox from me, I would greatly appreciate it.  ;)

I have no delusions of grandeur about my writing ability or the readership of this blog.  It is mostly made up of close friends of mine, some old, some new, and some that I miss and admire a great deal.

So it comes to pass, with a happy heart and a peaceful mind.  Thank you to everyone that kept things positive around me, even when the sun refused to shine.



Current Location: Where the heart is
Current Mood: energetic energetic
What I hear: Staind - So Far Away

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I used to work for Office Depot as a tech salesman, with my good friend Justin. One day we were standing near the front of the store when a couple of well dressed Indian gentlemen approached us and asked, with thick accents "Excusing us, you are tell us where to find floppy dicks?"

You figure it out. :)

That is all.

Peace, love, and BADAGAK!

Current Mood: calm calm

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I might be the only person on Earth OCD enough to notice this, but I doubt it.  It seems like an awful lot of our callers have low batteries in their smoke detectors, and the shrill beeping every minute is distracting, at best.  Furthermore, I completely fail to understand how people can live with that noise. 

Finally, I decided to bring it up to a customer one day, because she must have had the damn thing right by her head.  It did not go well.

Me:  "Heh, I hear a lot of beeping noises, sounds like you might have a low battery in your smoke detector."
Customer:  "HUH?"
Me:  "Oh, just noticed that I keep hearing a loud beeping over the phone every minute or so."
Me (confused as hell):  "Ummmmm...not on your phone...I mean the smoke detector in your house."
Customer:  "Look heah!  I ain't pootah lituht (computer literate), and I ain't know what the hell you means!"
Me:  "Oh, I wasn't talking about your computer...  Smoke detectors in your house beep to let you know that they have a low battery.  Just noticed the beeping is all.  Sorry to bring it up."
Customer (to someone else again):  "This mufucka keep talkin bout some detectin gots a low battray!  Whatchoo do wif mah foam chargah?!"

Thankfully the call dropped.  It could have taken a while to wrap up that conversation.

Thought I'd share.  :)

Peace, love, and 9-volt batteries,


Current Mood: bored bored

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(2009-12-14 18:17:07) berkeley24@gmail.com: KIMMAY MADE A FUNNAY!
(2009-12-14 18:17:18) Kim: did I?
(2009-12-14 18:17:27) berkeley24@gmail.com: The golf and alcohol thing.
(2009-12-14 18:17:49) berkeley24@gmail.com: It wasn't terribly funny though. Just a little.
(2009-12-14 18:19:03) Kim: it wasnt even my line :(
(2009-12-14 18:19:06) Kim: from a song lol
(2009-12-14 18:19:33) Kim: that took me a couple times to get then I was like Oh Shit!!! thats a good pun
(2009-12-14 18:20:11) berkeley24@gmail.com: Wow.
(2009-12-14 18:20:16) Kim: lol
(2009-12-14 18:20:17) berkeley24@gmail.com: Um, nevermind.
(2009-12-14 18:20:27) Kim: I shouldve just taken the credit
(2009-12-14 18:20:33) Kim: but it hurts my soul to lie
(2009-12-14 18:20:39) berkeley24@gmail.com: Yeah. Yeah, you should have.
(2009-12-14 18:20:51) Kim: I WAS TRYING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU
(2009-12-14 18:20:58) Kim: I WANT NOTHING BUT HONESTY BETWEEN US!!!!
(2009-12-14 18:21:02) berkeley24@gmail.com: Or just said "Thanks! I got it from a song!" and left it at that.
(2009-12-14 18:21:43)
berkeley24@gmail.com: I keep wanting to believe there's someone smart in that cute head of yours, but you keep shooting that idea down.
(2009-12-14 18:22:23) Kim: maybe you'll see it one day
(2009-12-14 18:23:12) berkeley24@gmail.com: Maybe the genius is just too bright for me to see. I'm going to hang on to that idea for a while. Now, please don't talk. I want to keep this idea. Don't wreck my dreams.

web stats

Current Mood: Dreamy
What I hear: Pearl Jam - World-wide Suicide

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You don't have to work the phones to find shit like this. This is an ACTUAL ticket I got:

Create a dress code VM with Clearquest 7.0 installed only Configure for GMSE database.  Do not install any other software without consent from David Leonard
( my bold and underline for emphasis)

So I complete it, and send a notification. The next day I get:



I looked at the VMWare image




and it has the wrong version of ClearQuest installed.


The version that needs to be installed is 6.14.


Could you please correct.


David S. Leonard

sigh... an he lives in Connecticut, not Georgia

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Okay, as a rule, I generally do not eat red meat much at all.  It's nothing hippyish or anything like that, just that one gets more protein from chicken than beef, without a ton of fat.  It's healthier.  However, being a human of the male variety, sometimes I get an itch for a burger.  A greasy, unhealthy, piece of shit, fast food burger.  Sometimes, for some reason, there is no more delicious taste in the world.  At about 9 PM tonight, I'm lazing around, and realized that I had not eaten today at all.  I had been jamming out to tunes all day, and just did not notice.  The itch hit.  I wanted meat.  Red meat.

So I head up the highway to Burger King.  It is better than nothing, right?

I was not even hungry before my realization, but now I was fucking starving, so I go for the gold.  Triple Whopper - the number three.

Me:  "Yes, I'd like a number three please, large sized with onion rings, and a Dr. Pepper to drink."
Guy:  "Ummm, uhhhh, okay.  So you wanted a triple combo."
Me:  "Yes."
Guy:  "What size?"
Me:  "Large"
Guy:  "Fries or onion rings?"
Me:  "Onion rings please."
Guy:  "And what to drink?"
Me:  "Dr. Pepper please."
Guy:  "Okay, I have a number three large sized with rings and a Dr. Pepper."
Me:  "Indeed."
Guy:  "Huh?"
Me:  "Yes, that is correct."
Guy:  "Uh, okay.  That will be eight twenty two at the first window."
Me:  "No it won't."
Guy:  "Huh?"
Me:  "The number three combo is seven sixty nine.  I'm no mathematician, but seven sixty nine, plus a dollar for large size, plus tax, is more than eight twenty two."
Guy:  "Uh, okay.  Pull around to the first window for your total."

As I'm pulling around, I contemplate messing with the guy, and decide that I shall.

Me:  "Hmm, maybe that is the right total after all.  Is the sales tax negative twelve percent here?"
Guy (to a co-worker):  "Hey, what's the sales tax here?  Is it negative twelve percent?"
Co-worker:  "Eight percent." *sighs*
Me:  "Hmm, well that's not it.  Read me back the order again and we'll see where it went wrong."
Guy:  "Oh, I rang up a double."
Co-worker:  "Don't worry about it, I got it."
Me:  "Well I'm not going to argue with that!"
Guy:  "Damn, that's one good looking truck."

I start to say thank you, but realize that he's looking past my truck, to a misfiring, rusted out 1984 Jeep Comanche with a horrid exhaust leak that is driving by.  What the hell?

So I pull up to the second window, and notice "Guy" scooping up some fries while he's chatting it up with his co-worker.  I will take this opportunity to mention that this guy's eyes were bloodshot enough to make Cheech and Chong say "Holy fuck, he's REALLY stoned!"  The fries draw my attention, because I am the only one there, and I ordered rings.  Apparently this occurs to him as well, because he dumps the fries, falls over, gets back up, and gets onion rings instead.  Yes, he fell down after dumping out the fries.  Really.

So he hands me the order, I check it, and await the drink.  He stands there uncomfortably for several seconds, then tells me to have a good night again.

Me:  "Man, I am SO thirsty.  A Dr. Pepper would really hit the spot!"
Guy:  "Yeah, that does sound good."
Me:  "I sure wish I had one right about now.  It would really go well with this burger and onion rings."
Guy:  "Yeah, I love Dr. Pepper."
Me:  "Me too.  That's why I ordered one."
Guy:  "Yeah, it's good...well, have a good night!"
Me:  "Oh I will, but it would be SO much better with some Dr. Pepper."
Guy:  "Uhhhhh..."
Me:  "In fact, that one right there looks fabulous.  Can I have that one?"
Guy:  "Oh, that is for a customer."
Me:  "I know..."
Guy:  "What do you mean?"
Me:  "Let's play a game, called 'How many customers are at Burger King right now'."
Guy:  "Uh, okay."  *looks around, and out the drive-through window*  "Looks like it's just you."
Me:  "Then, following a logical path of deductive reasoning, whose Dr. Pepper would that be?"
Guy:  "Ummmm...  Oh.  Here."
Me:  "Thanks!  Have a good one!"


Peace, love, and tards,


Current Mood: chipper chipper
What I hear: Eminem - Lose Yourself

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(2009-05-04 21:50:58) mwilkins091@gmail.com: fucking fail
(2009-05-04 21:51:24) berkeley24@gmail.com/PidginE54850F8: lol
(2009-05-04 21:51:40) berkeley24@gmail.com/PidginE54850F8: "fail" hasn't gotten old there yet? I figured it would die off in three days.
(2009-05-04 21:51:53) berkeley24@gmail.com/PidginE54850F8: I was sick of it in about seven minutes, lol
(2009-05-04 21:51:59) mwilkins091@gmail.com: well, i don't use it that much
(2009-05-04 21:52:03) mwilkins091@gmail.com: and it is pretty homo
(2009-05-04 21:52:19) mwilkins091@gmail.com: its pretty much a work related word for me
(2009-05-04 21:52:19) berkeley24@gmail.com/PidginE54850F8: Yeah, anything Chris Lord uses a lot is super-gay
(2009-05-04 21:52:29) mwilkins091@gmail.com: rofl
(2009-05-04 21:52:47) mwilkins091@gmail.com: so does that say you don't like Lord
(2009-05-04 21:52:58) mwilkins091@gmail.com: or that he's just gay?
(2009-05-04 21:53:02) berkeley24@gmail.com/PidginE54850F8: He's just gay
(2009-05-04 21:53:07) mwilkins091@gmail.com: lol
(2009-05-04 21:53:11) mwilkins091@gmail.com: wow
(2009-05-04 21:53:54) mwilkins091@gmail.com: you know what would be "fail"...him and Bryan in a hot tub together
(2009-05-04 21:54:00) mwilkins091@gmail.com: oh god that's wrong
(2009-05-04 21:54:08) berkeley24@gmail.com/PidginE54850F8: No, that would be seven kinds of hot.
(2009-05-04 21:54:21) mwilkins091@gmail.com: but it's definitely content for an inspirational poster
(2009-05-04 21:54:40) mwilkins091@gmail.com: no, seven kinds of hot would be if the hot tub was filled with bacon
(2009-05-04 21:54:51) berkeley24@gmail.com/PidginE54850F8: and bacon grease
(2009-05-04 21:55:17) mwilkins091@gmail.com: i like where this is going

Current Mood: dirty dirty
What I hear: My own laughter

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In Tier Two, most of the calls we get are transfers from lower tiers of support, such as Billing, Customer Care, or Tier One.  Some of these transfers are totally unnecessary, as the issue could easily have been resolved if the transferring reps had simply followed the pre-transfer guidelines.

Tier One Guy:  "This customer can't make or receive calls, and the troubleshooting flow led me to transfer to you."
Me:  "Hmm, they aren't registered on a tower.  That's usually a SIM card number mismatch.  Did you verify the customer's SIM ID?"
Tier One Guy:  "Yeah, yeah, I did.  It's the one ending in 8436."
Me:  "Okay, send the customer over and we'll get her all squared away!"

Me:  "Thanks for holding, my name is Berkeley.  Has a representative checked your SIM card number yet to make sure it matches?"
Customer:  "What's a SIM card?"
(thought so)

And of course, a mismatch.  Corrected it and she was good to go.  It was the second of seven steps in the troubleshooting flow.

Why do reps do this to customers?

More on that later.

Peace, love, and Dick Wilkins,


Current Mood: amused amused
What I hear: Slacker Radio blastin in my brain

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Current Mood: crazy crazy
What I hear: the deer fighting outside

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Some people amaze me, they really do.  I am glad that I am fortunate enough to see the humor in most things, even those that irritate me, or I might just lose (the rest of) my mind.

This customer was having trouble reaching a specific number, and I had had her make some test calls to that number while I worked on her network provisioning.  None of what I did worked, so it required a ticket to our switch engineering guys.  The following occured while collecting information for the ticket.

Me:  "Okay, we've made some test calls from that phone.  Can you tell me which number that is on your account?"
Caller:  *gives me the number that she is calling from*
Me:  "No, that's the number you're calling me from.  I need the number of the phone we've been using to make the test calls."
Caller:  *gives me her own number, again*
Me:  "Okay, that's the number we're talking on right now.  Since we've been talking on this line, I've had you make some test calls from one of the other lines on your account, and I need to know which one that is."
Caller:  *gives me the number that she's calling from*
Me:  "No, not that one.  When I had you call the number that you're having trouble reaching, it was from a different phone, and that's the number I need."
Caller:  "I'm really confused."
Me:  "Hmm, let me see if I can find another way to say it...  Okay, who was it that you were talking to when we made those test calls?  The person you were instructing to dial the number?"
Caller:  "My sister, Melanie."
Me:  "Look in Melanie's hand.  Is she holding a cell phone?"
Caller:  "Yeah, the one she was using to make those test calls."
Me:  "What is the number to the cell phone that she's holding?"
Caller:  "555-555-1212...why?"
Me:  "No worries, that's all I needed.  You're in Ohio.  I can't quite recall, is that in the Eastern time zone?"
Caller:  "I don't know..."  *giggles*
(She thinks it's funny that she doesn't know what time zone she's in?  I sure as hell do, but I don't think I would find it the least bit humorous were I in her shoes...)
Me:  "You don't know what time zone you're in?"
Caller:  "No...I don't pay much attention to that stuff."
Me:  "Well, the importance of time is certainly subjective.  I just looked it up, you are indeed in the Eastern time zone."
(She has lived at that address for eight years, by the way.)
Caller:  "Oh, well that's good to know!"
Me:  "Sometimes!"

No post-call comment.

Peace, love, and Sidelines fucking chicken wings (soon!),


Current Mood: tired tired
What I hear: Black Light Burns - Lie

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Berk:  "My dog has had some digestive issues for a few days."
Jolie:  "That sucks, have you tried bland diet for a few days?"
Berk:  "I'm making him come chicken and rice right now.  Hopefully that will clear it up."
Berk:  "Um, wait a second...  I meant "making him SOME chicken and rice"!
Jolie:  "Hahahahahahaha"
Berk:  "Well, you have to admit, that would be pretty fucking interesting to witness..."
Jolie:  "You are crazy."
Berk:  "Again?  Dammit..."

Current Mood: crazy crazy
What I hear: Those bastard voices in my head...again...

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To see the fucktard of the month, clicky.

Current Mood: confused confused
What I hear: Five Finger Death Punch - Never Enough

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Okay, so if you have never seen the movie "Dude, Where's My Car?" then this is not going to be funny, so watch this clip:  http://www.hulu.com/watch/15360/dude-wheres-my-car-chinese-food

I'll pick this call up at the funny part.  I had to constantly mute my mic because I couldn't stop laughing.

Me:  "Okay Ms. Chang, go ahead and remove the battery from your phone for me."
Ms. Chang:  "And then?"
Me:  *giggles* "Hold tight for a minute while I clear your phone's information out of our network."
Ms. Chang:  "And then?"
Me:  "Okay, go ahead and replace your battery."
Ms. Chang:  "And then?"
Me:  "Now power on your phone."
Ms. Chang:  "And then?"
Me:  *mutes*  *laughs harder*  "Okay..." *mutes and laughs some more*
Ms. Chang:  "HERRO?"
Me:  *unmutes just long enough to let her know that I am still on the line, and then starts laughing harder*
Ms. Chang:  "My phone ees on, what I do now?"
Me:  *stifles the laughter*  "Dial this number now." (I give her my test phone number)
Ms. Chang:  "And then?"
(At this point, I am at the point of sounding like Butthead having a laughing fit and can barely breathe.  She sounded JUST like the lady in the movie.)
Me:  "Is it ringing?"
Ms. Chang:  "And then?"
(What?  Why?)
*test phone rings*
Me:  "Okay, it rang!  Looks like we have the problem fixed!"
Ms. Chang:  "Otay good.  I grad we abre to feex thees!

Maybe you had to be there, but I was about to suffocate with laughter.  It was stellar.

Peace, love, and cream cheese and crab wonton,


Current Mood: giggly giggly
What I hear: Black Light Burns - Lie

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This is going to change the way we communicate!

Current Mood: giggly giggly
What I hear: the snowplows warming up at the bottom of the mountain

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I pulled off a good one this year.  I managed to convince a LOT of people, many of them quite close to me, that I had gotten married a couple of weekends ago, totally out of the blue.  Then, to make things even better, I convinced them that she was five weeks pregnant...with twins! 

Props to Lorrie, who was actually a girlfriend of mine at one point, for helping me pull this off!

To those that got their feelings hurt over it - it got a little out of control, and for that I am genuinely sorry.  It spread a hell of a lot faster than I ever expected.  Foolish of me to underestimate the power on the internet combined with a whole lot of gossip!

To the rest of you - SUCKERS!  (Especially you, Kim and Jess.  You should have known better by now...)

Peace, love, and microbrews,



Current Mood: accomplished
What I hear: Neil Young - Keep on Rockin' in a Free World

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     I think everyone has called tech support at one time or another and gotten someone that seemed a little short or impatient.  I am not making excuses for them, but do keep in mind that all day long, they deal with the types of calls that you see posted here, and they get thanked for it (maybe) twice a day.  You would be amazed what a little "Thank you for helping me out" stuck in somewhere near the start of the call would do for your experience with the phone monkey on the other end of the line.  Seriously.  Try it. 

     Even when the calls and customers are pleasant, they can still be frustrating and really wear us down, mentally and emotionally.  Take, for instance, a call I took today.  The guy was very nice and very polite, but he was mentally retarded, literally.  He was a veteran of the Army, that had received a head injury in Iraq, and had lost a lot of his mental abilities.  I am not going to transcribe the call here, because I have no intention of ridiculing this man in any way, shape, or form, and have all the respect in the world for the men and women of the United States military forces, regardless of how I feel about the war(s) they are fighting.  I feel the same way about anyone that has a real reason for being unable to do what we need them to do.  The call was extremely frustrating, because he was unable to follow simple instruction, and was embarassed to go into a store and ask for help.  For the life of me, I could not get him to select "Bluetooth Settings" from a menu that had only three options.  We were attempting to pair a Bluetooth headset with the phone, and it was a five step process where we could not get beyond step three.  While I wanted nothing more in the world than to get this situation fixed, after almost an hour of trying, it was just not going to happen over the phone.

     Now, the point of posting this is not to insult anyone at all, but to point out that in a lot of cases, we (and I feel comfortable speaking for all of us here) have a genuine desire to help, especially in situations like this.  We are problem solvers and fixers, and the worst thing in the world to us is to give us something we cannot fix, or could fix in two seconds if we could get our hands on it.  It is frustrating, and wears on us, day after day.  Sometimes we feel almost a sense of desperation for a simple "Hey, thanks!" throughout the course of our day.  Long story short, it is nice to get a win now and then.

     For my part, where I work now is a fantastic and positive environment, where the "Negative Nancies" that spread contagious venom all over the place do not last very long, but most call centers are not that way.  The one where most of these monkeys work is one of those bad ones, and it is hard to maintain a positive attitude and demeanor in that sort of environment.  They work for a company, that for the most part, treats employees pretty well.  On the flip side of that, these employees, these problem solvers, have to sit back and talk to infuriated people all day that are dealing with problems that have been ongoing for ages, and that have not been fixed.  Furthermore, these problems have been reported time and time again, and have seen no resolution.  In tech support, no one calls to say how wonderfully their service is working and how happy they are with it.  Well, almost no one.  Those of us that work in the industry know what a difference it can make in someone's day to get a call like that, so we (at least I) will pick up the phone from time to time to thank them for what they do, or at least be sure to thank them when we call in with a problem.

     So, with all that in mind, when YOU call for tech support, customer service, or anything, remember that you're talking to a live human being on the other end of the phone.  Someone that has similar day-to-day struggles that you are dealing with.  We want to fix your problem, but we cannot do it without your help.  The time you spend complaining about the problem is time that can be spent resolving it, and you can make someone else smile in the process by the extremely simple act of being polite and doing what we ask you to do, and that we know will fix that shit.  We are good at what we do, or we would be doing something else.  Remember, you called us.  :)

     Oh, and for you phone jockeys that are the "Negative Nancies" that I referred to earlier.  Stop wondering why you are not getting promoted, stop bitching twenty four hours a day, and make it a goal to try and crack a grin out of someone today.  Take off the victim glasses and start being accountable.  It is called positivity, and it works wonders, both for your own attitude and those around you.  It is hard as hell to stay positive when everyone around you is complaining, it really is, and I understand that, but it is never going to get better if you are one of the hens pecking at all of the petty chicken-scratch bullshit.  Soar with the eagles instead of pecking with the hens.  It is so much easier than you think.  You know who you are, and if you have to think about it, it is probably you.  :)

Peace, love, and Nachitoches Meat Pies,


Current Mood: content content
What I hear: My dog's snoring

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It seems as though Splinter, has never changed the way he does his work. I have heard more random bullshit and excuses from him over the past few days, that I cannot believe he has not been canned from the supervisors listening to his calls. Telling subs things that sound as though they might as well have been something made up by Larry, but he seems to actually believe what he is saying and has no sound of humility in his voice. I am going to wind up slowly gouge out my left ear soon so that I don't have to listen to this incessant bullshit any longer.


I actually just heard Splinter, tell a customer to open IE and close it repeatedly until the internet comes back up. Seriously, this is why our customers hate us, its because of this captain of fuck-tardery.

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: lethargic lethargic
What I hear: "If I Only Had a Brain" - MC900 ft Jesus (fitting isn't it?)

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Sometimes I feel like people are calling in for the sole purpose of fucking with me.  Take this little gem for instance.  A thirty five year old man who could not read, with whom I spent forty five minutes on the phone.  Let us pick up somewhere around the middle of the call.

Caller:  "Why can't you just send me the replacement phone?  Why do I have to send you back this one if it's broken?"
Me:  "Well, it's an exchange...  We can't just send you a new phone based on your word.  We take the old phone and have it repaired and renewed, and then we put it back in the pool for replacement phones."
Caller:  "Okay, all right, okay, well just send me the replacement then."
Me:  "We can send the replacement phone as soon as we receive the defective one."
Caller:  "Why can't you just send me the replacement phone?  Why do I have to send you back this one if it's broken?"
Me:  "Well, it's an exchange...  We can't just send you a new phone based on your word.  We take the old phone and have it repaired and renewed, and then we put it back in the pool for replacement phones."
Caller:  "Okay, all right, okay, well just send me the replacement then."
Me:  "We can send the replacement phone as soon as we receive the defective one."
Caller:  "Why can't you just send me the replacement phone?  Why do I have to send you back this one if it's broken?"
Me:  "Well, it's an exchange...  We can't just send you a new phone based on your word.  We take the old phone and have it repaired and renewed, and then we put it back in the pool for replacement phones."
Caller:  "Okay, all right, okay, well just send me the replacement then."
Me:  "We can send the replacement phone as soon as we receive the defective one."Caller:  "Why can't you just send me the replacement phone?  Why do I have to send you back this one if it's broken?"
Me:  "Well, it's an exchange...  We can't just send you a new phone based on your word.  We take the old phone and have it repaired and renewed, and then we put it back in the pool for replacement phones."
Caller:  "Okay, all right, okay, well just send me the replacement then."
Me:  "We can send the replacement phone as soon as we receive the defective one."
Caller:  "Why can't you just send me the replacement phone?  Why do I have to send you back this one if it's broken?"
Me:  "Well, it's an exchange...  We can't just send you a new phone based on your word.  We take the old phone and have it repaired and renewed, and then we put it back in the pool for replacement phones."
Caller:  "Okay, all right, okay, well just send me the replacement then."
Me:  "We can send the replacement phone as soon as we receive the defective one."
Caller:  "Why can't you just send me the replacement phone?  Why do I have to send you back this one if it's broken?"
Me:  "Well, it's an exchange...  We can't just send you a new phone based on your word.  We take the old phone and have it repaired and renewed, and then we put it back in the pool for replacement phones."
Caller:  "Okay, all right, okay, well just send me the replacement then."
Me:  "We can send the replacement phone as soon as we receive the defective one."

(yes, the conversation really repeated that many times)

Caller:  "I don't know how to send the old phone back."
Me:  "Just put it in a box, write the return address on the box, and take it to your post office or a UPS Store."
Caller:  "I don't have the box."
Me:  "That's okay, any box will be fine.  They can give you one at the post office or at any UPS Store."
Caller:  "How I'm 'posed to know how to do that?"
Me:  "Do what?"
Caller:  "Send the phone back to y'all."
Me:  "Well, I can certainly tell you exactly what to do."

(We also repeated this about six times)

Caller:  "All right, what's the address?"
Me:  "Two one eight Franklin Road"
Caller:  "Eight four two..."
Me:  "No...two one eight."
Caller:  "Hold on...two eight six..."
Me:  "Um...no...two one eight."
Caller:  "Eight two one?"
Me:  "No.  Write it down one number at a time.  Two."
Caller:  "Two."
Me:  "One."
Caller:  "One."
Me:  "Eight."
Caller:  "Four."
Me:  "No.  Eight."
Caller "Two one four eight?"
*Berk loses four years off of his life, and approximately twelve IQ points at this moment, as he has a mild stroke*
Me:  "TWO ONE EIGHT.  There is no four in the number."
Caller:  "Oh, all right.  I ain't very good at math."
(Clearly.  What the fuck does math have to do with it anyway?)
Me:  "It's okay, not everyone is good with numbers."
Caller:  "Okay, so I have eight two one four...Frances Road?"
*mutes phone*  *%&$&@^@$@$^#&^#%@&^!%^&()*(_)(**&^!#!*

(Nineteen minutes later we finally have the address down)

Caller:  "So my Nokia 1208...when I send it back I'll get a different phone, right?"
Me:  "We will replace it with another Nokia 1208, but it won't be the same phone you send us."
Caller:  "Oh, okay cool, because I don't really like the way this phone looks."
Me:  "It will still be a Nokia 1208."
Caller:  "But it'll be different though, right?"
Me:  "No, same model."
Caller:  "Oh okay, well Nokia 1208 makes lots of different phones."
Me:  "I'm sorry sir, but there is only one Nokia model 1208."
Caller:  "Well this girl I know, she sent in her 1208 and got a thinner 1208 back."
Me:  "If the phone was different than the one she sent back, then it wasn't the same model."

(He actually started with this line of questioning at the beginning of the call, and kept revisiting it (six times, to be precise) throughout the call.  He still did not understand by the end of the call, but at that point, it was beyond hopeless.)

Sometimes I wonder if it is all just a dream...

Peace, love, and mental health,


Current Mood: amused amused
What I hear: Five Finger Death Punch - The Way of the Fist

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Today, well possibly yesterday by the time I finish writing, editing, and taking my a.d.d. pills, over 10 million unnamed cable company employees burned to death in what has been coined The Great Unnamed Fire of 2009. It all started on a bright and sunny first day of spring. The birds filled the air with their song of happiness unaware of the great tragedy that was to befall this small community of nerds. Employees gladly parked at the back of the parking lot and skipped to the door to hold it for their co workers as they all whistled The Safety Dance. The mood was contagious. Even the most irate of customers was lifted to cloud 9 when they spoke to the reps. Oh happy day! At 3:30 PM tragedy struck.The fire alarms sounded without warning. GASP! Is this just another drill?? But we had one last week!! No this was not a drill. Smoke was creeping under the doors, all the handles were hot to touch. Oh no! How will we ever make it out alive?!?! People were pushing and shoving. Babies were crying. "There was only one thing that we could do," explained one survivor. "Since our chairs are made of cardboard, we had to defenestrate... a person....." This person, who shall remain nameless until family members are contacted, was their savor. While many still were burned and injured in the fire, many lives were saved. To make an already long and boring story short, Cinderella found her slipper and they lived happily ever after. Ha Just kidding. People DIED. IN A FIRE. 

The End.

Current Mood: apathetic apathetic

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So, at my job, when we get a call, we get a female voice whispering in our ear at the start of each call letting us know what queue the call is coming from.  Almost all of our calls are Tier Two tech support, but most of the ones that end up on this blog are Tier One overflow calls, and now, International Roaming.

*whisper* "International Roaming Queue" *beep*
Me:  "Thank you for calling International Roaming support yadda yadda simmy dimmy bing bang."
Roamer in Belgium:  "Yeah, what's the free number to call customer service when I'm roaming internationally?"
Me:  *gives the number*
Roamer in Belgium:  "No, I need a toll-free number if I'm going to call you guys."
Me:  "If you dial that number from anywhere in the world from your phone, it's a free call.  If we need you on another line, we will call you, so we will foot the bill, either way."
Roamer in Belgium:  "But it's not an eight hundred number, so it couldn't be toll free..."
Me:  "Not every exchange in the world recognizes eight hundred and eight eight eight numbers, but they all recognize country codes and area codes, so we used a real number for our customer service line."
Roamer in Belgium:  "But it isn't toll-free..."
Me:  "You will never be charged for dialing that number from your wireless phone."
Roamer in Belgium:  "But it isn't toll-free..."
Me:  "It is always a free call as long as you dial it from your handset."
Roamer in Belgium:  "But it isn't toll-free..."
(So, at this point, I am trying to figure out another way to say it so he will understand...)
Me:  "The number that we gave you is for our customer service and technical support while you're roaming internationally.  While it's true that the number does not begin with 1-800, or another 'toll free' prefix, it is always a free call, regardless."
Roamer in Belgium:  "But it isn't toll-free..."
Me:  "Okay, think of it like this.  Our company owns the service that you use, and we also own that phone number.  We can make any number we want exempt from charges if it is dialed from our phones, using our service.  Kind of like how you can dial other customers using the same carrier for free when you are in the states.  There may be a charge as far as it goes, but we foot the bill for it, and you will never...ever...see it, or pay it."
Roamer in Belgium:  "Oh, so it's a free call?"
(Really?  Now?  Finally?)
Me:  "Yes, it's always a free call."
Roamer in Belgium:  "Oh, okay, thanks!"

Current Location: Homeness
Current Mood: cheerful cheerful
What I hear: Sense Fail - Life is not a Waiting Room (Album)

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Me:  "Thank you for blah blah giggety poop."
Caller:  "Hi, I just got a new phone, so I want to transfer my pictures, ringtones, and contacts to my SIM card."
Me:  "Well I will be more than happy to telp you out with that.  We can copy the contacts to the SIM, and then I can tell you how to transfer the photos and ringtones."
Caller:  "Okay, great!"
*walk through copying the contacts*
Caller:  "Okay, now I want to put my pictures and ringtones on the SIM."
Me:  "Well, the SIM can only store contacts, and a few text messages.  I will walk you through transferring all of your photos to your Album, where we can then send them to your new phone."
Caller:  (suddenly turns ghetto, what the hell?)  "Why you muthafuckas wanna give me this runaround bullshit!?  Just tell me how to get my mothafuckin' pic-chas to the God damned SIM card!"
Me:  "Okay...wow.  I can certainly help with getting those pictures to the other phone, but your SIM card cannot store photos, only contacts."
Caller:  "This is bullshit!"
Me:  "What is?"
Caller:  "I don't wanna send no Goddamn pictures to my Album, I just wanna copy them to my SIM card and put it in the other phone!"
Me:  "Ma'am, I really wish there was a way that I could help you with that, but it is simply not possible to move your photos to your SIM.  We do, however, have another way to move those photos for you."
Caller:  "Gimme yo mufuckin supavisa."
Me:  "No ma'am.  I cannot pass you to my supervisor until we encounter a problem with which I cannot help."
Caller:  "Well you CAIN'T HELP!  Put yo supavisa on de foam RIGHT NOW!  I want dese pic-chas on mah SIMS CAHDS!"
Me:  "Ma'am, it is physically impossible to copy photos to s SIM card.  I am not capable of performing that which is impossible, nor is my supervisor.  However, I will be more than happy to help you get those photos to your new phone."
Caller:  "You DUMB SHIT!  Don't you speak ANGLISH?!?!  I WANT THIS SHIT ON MAH SIMS CAHDS!"
Me:  "Okay ma'am, I let the language go for a while until you made it into a personal attack, and I understand why you're upset.  I really do.  At my home, I have a mountain peak that blocks the sunlight to my place for most of the daylight hours in the deep Winter, when I'd like it to be really bright.  I don't like it.  In fact, I really can't stand it.  The catch is that moving that mountain out of the way is not possible, at least not for me, so I have to come up with other ideas if I want bright light in my home in the darkest of the Winter months.  In your case, the solution is much simpler, and a lot less expensive, yet you are refusing to accept it.  Your refusal to accept the solution is not grounds to speak to my supervisor.  That having been said, I will be more than happy to walk you through moving those pictures to your Album, and then back to the other phone.  I will also be happy to credit you the messages that we use in the process of sending those photos to your album and back again, and even some bonus minutes and messages for your time.  Would you like to get started?"
Caller:  "Okay, how do I send the pictures to my Album?"

Logic and reason just escape some people...  At least these calls are a lot more rare than they were at the last job.  :)

Peace, love, and logic,


Current Mood: chipper chipper
What I hear: Lorrie telling me to stop fucking typing and talk to her.

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Current Mood: laughing like hell
What I hear: my laughter echoing off of the opposing mountains

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Me: "Thank you for calling yadda yadda etcetera and whatnot."
Caller:  "Yuh, I just gots me one uh dese Samson Behotes, and I wuhnderin' whah I ain't see no tubeyou on it."
Me:  *checks the caller's area code*  (Yep, 229)  "Okay, well you should be able to watch YouTube videos on the SAMSUNG BEHOLD...what happens when you go to youtube dot com from your phone?"
Caller:  "I gotta go to de dot cawm to see it?  I ain't got no cuhmpootah."
Me:  "Um, no...the Behold is a Smartphone and has internet access.  You can browse the web from your phone."
Caller:  "Mane, dis is mufuckin' bullshit.  I call you mufuckas fuh hep and you tell me to go to duh innunecks!"
Me:  "Well I'm trying to tell you how to watch YouTube videos on your phone, sir..."
Caller:  "Well whah cain't ah?!"
Me:  "You can..."
Caller:  "Oh...  How ah do dat?"
Me:  "First, go to the widget bar on your phone and open your web browser."
Caller:  "Okay, fanks."


     The good news is, he called back later and got me again.  How joyous an occassion when I get to speak to someone so charming more than once!

     Okay, so I am going to say this, as futile as it may be:  If you live in Georgia, and have an intelligence quotient lower than 24.258, please do not buy a smartphone thinking it will make you look cool (or smart).  Pieces of high technology only look cool in the hands of someone that knows how to use them, and if you can not figure out how to dial your friends, I doubt they will be very impressed.  This holds true for all smartphones, including iPhones, BlackBerries, Windows Mobile devices, Symbian OS devices, Sidekicks, and the "lower" smartphones like the Behold and Memoir.  Of course, if you are a member of this target audience, you likely cannot read, like this guy, and will never see this.  (That will be covered in part two.)

Good night, kiddos.

Peace, love, and hookers with rabies,


Current Mood: bored bored
What I hear: Silversun Pickups - Well Thought Out Twinkles (on Slacker Radio for BlackBerry - Get it)

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Just a random excerpt from a random sub... you know... the usual...

after verifying the account sub states tech was just out to install the internet...

"The tech told me to call this number in a couple of hours... says my cable modem is powered down." (still not sure what said that... )

"Are there lights on in the front of the modem?"

"Ummm, yes, yes there are."

"Have you tried pulling up Internet Explorer?"

"No, not yet. Do you want me to?"

"...Yes, please..."

"Umm, ok, let me find it.  I'm not very computer illiterate." (not a typo, that's what was said)

"That's fine, ma'am."

5 min later...

"Oh! There it is!"

Same call, much later down the road, showing sub how to log into email and getting into the home page...

"Okay, now go to the bottom right hand corner of the webpage and enter your zipcode"

"Bottom-right hand corner? where do I do that?"

"...You go to the bottom right-hand corner..."

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